And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
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My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
One of the best
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.