“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
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I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS