I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
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At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]