Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
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Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Hey I worked for it too!
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.