some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
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Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
plant them where lol