My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
You Might Also Like
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
We cut our bangs at dawn.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him