In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
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[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them