dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
You Might Also Like
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork