Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
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I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
lost dog
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later