Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
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When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Stop being racist to kettles.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.