Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
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detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Candles never taste the way they smell
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti