The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
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‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
somewhere, in an alternate universe
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
good morning
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?