I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
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Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…