*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
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I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“