This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
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79.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
This is sending me to another galaxy
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
seems fine
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.