[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
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Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.