Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
You Might Also Like
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
I’m Sold!
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
March 16
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon