my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
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just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?