It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
You Might Also Like
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
yeah 😭
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”