Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
You Might Also Like
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring