if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
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From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?