i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
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Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Life is a suicide mission.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??