Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
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No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
The best shot in the history of golf
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
This pepper has seen some shit
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street