I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
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“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Muppet Screams
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.