I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
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“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!