Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
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Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.