Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
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I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
6. me as a lawyer
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
😜
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.