GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
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A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.