“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
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“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
sensitive skin
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen