I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
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I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest