DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
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they should invent a hydrating liquor
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
step 6: release the wall snake
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
File under excellent bookstore names.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Oops
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?