My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
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I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
LMAO
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Wise advice
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners