Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
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How can I say no to this ?
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Stick it to the man
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”