{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
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“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?