like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
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Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.