“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
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Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
i did the math
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.