(2022)
You Might Also Like
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
handsome & gretel
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
The Others (2001)
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
For the orator and chef in all of us
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster