Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
You Might Also Like
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.