I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
You Might Also Like
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave