Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
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Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever