Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
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I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Pickled cat.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.