My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
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Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed