Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
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Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you