Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
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Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
mom gave me mine for free
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.