Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
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*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*