If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
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PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.