I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
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Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
I put the mess in domestic.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
it was a valiant fight
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.