“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
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West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.