Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
You Might Also Like
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
the rocks need my help
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.