When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
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Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Oh boy, $150,000!
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
I’m good, thanks.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first